BRINGING UP BÉBÉ – Pamela Druckerman
While living in Paris, author Pamela Druckerman noticed that French kids were happy, calm and well-behaved; they ate well and slept through the night early. She investigated what French parents do differently. Hence, “Bringing Up Bébé.”
French parenting is guided by the principal of autonomy, for both the parent and child. A parent should not sacrifice their life and well-being for the sake of the child. Children should be given freedom to develop into independent beings without their parents dominating them. The French believe babies and children are rational beings who can tolerate frustration and learn.
This book was a very pleasant read, and Druckerman had me laughing out loud at times. While I have a soft spot for French clothing and restaurants, I’m not as big a fan of French parenting as the author is. There are elements of French parenting that she poses as positive, and they kind of are, but in practice, many of the principles seem rooted in selfishness and narcissism to me. In addition, not everything she presents as uniquely French is, in fact, unique; you’ve heard many of these concepts a million times.
Like me, feel free to take what you want from the book and disregard what doesn’t speak to you.
Parenthood
French parents don’t become consumed by parenthood. French women will have oysters when pregnant, in moderation. They don’t believe “anything goes,” but that women should be calm and sensible. The author relates a story of a husband who, while his wife was having a C-section, left the waiting room to get a croissant. As Druckerman dryly relates: “He wanted to be a dad, but he also wanted a croissant.” Calmer pregnancy and childbirth set the tone for calmer parenting.
In the hospital, French mothers hand their babies to the nursery at night; they feel entitled to a few hours’ sleep. French moms recover their pre-baby identities. They don’t climb a jungle gym or go down a slide but sit on the perimeter of the playground and chat with each other. They work to quickly regain their figures and don’t feel selfish or guilty for caring about their appearance. The French are heavy into equilibrium – not letting one part of life overwhelm the rest. They are devoted mothers, but their kids aren’t the be-all, and they enjoy moments of guilt-free liberty.
College-educated mothers rarely ditch their careers after having kids. They often put their kids in daycare at 9 months. Stay-at-home moms are considered a bore. They believe employment helps restore their independence and is best for the child’s autonomy too; it’s burdensome for a child to feel that she’s the sole source of her mother’s happiness and satisfaction. Working teaches her that parents have a life apart from her.
It’s perfectly reasonable to consider your own quality of life when making choices for children. Chauffeuring kids to/from activities isn’t seen as devotion, but as a parent drastically out of balance and not even good for kids. The author describes one mom who stopped her kids’ tennis lessons, deeming them “constraining for me…a waste of time for me,” and deciding “the children don’t need it.”
The French believe you don’t have to talk, sing or entertain children constantly. Toys don’t engulf the common space at home. The dominant message is that, while parenting is very important, it shouldn’t subsume one’s other roles.
So…I feel there’s a lot to unpack here. It sounds like a great concept, and it is. Parents should have balance and not let one part of their identity/life overwhelm the others. However, I get the sense that these parents have a kid but don’t let them intrude on their lives. Your kid didn’t ask to be born. If you elected to have them, then yes, you should make some life compromises. As a working stay-at-home mom, I know how difficult it is to stay home with a baby all day. Parents definitely need breaks. Be careful, though, that selfishness is not being disguised by nice-sounding words like “balance,” “me time” and “self-care.”
I absolutely agree that children should never feel responsible for a parent’s happiness. I do believe many, many parents inadvertently place this impossible burden on their children. However, staying at home with your child doesn’t mean the child is your sole source of fulfillment. Just because you don’t have a “life outside child” doesn’t mean your child feels that burden. If French believe in balance, then why be so condescending towards women who stay home? Why be so viscerally opposed to parents who find balance in doing so?
The author tries to portray the French as warm and loving parents who do all this from love, but I kinda get the opposite feeling. The undercurrent feels cold, robotic, and self-centered.
Finally, there’s a premise here that it’s a parent’s natural disposition to be distant from their child and stay on the sidelines, and Americans are just overbearing. However, the author fails to recognize that many mothers WANT to stay home with their child or play with them on the playground, either because they enjoy it or because they feel it’s best for their child.
You can put a positive spin on anything, but it’s important to read between the lines. I see it as selfishness and not letting kids get in their way.
Observe
French parents spend a lot of time observing their baby without interacting. This helps them tune into their baby’s experience and become attuned to her cues. You want to be there when needed while allowing her to be when she’s happily playing. Babies, like adults, need down time and have a right to be immersed in an activity without being watched and spoken to. Let interactions and conversations follow a natural rhythm. “Pause” before reacting to your baby’s cries.
“Cadre”
“Cadre” is the guiding principle when it comes to discipline; it is a firm framework surrounding a lot of freedom. While parents are strict about certain things, they are relaxed about most others. While there are few red lines, the lines are never crossed. For example, at bedtime kids must stay in their room, but can do what they want in there.
Cadre gives children the space and autonomy to explore and develop without impinging on parental “rights” or endangering themselves. It creates a world that is predictable and coherent. You have confidence in your kid and they feel it. Zero-tolerance areas vary, but almost all parents agree respect for others and physical aggression are nonnegotiable. The cadre is established by talking frequently to your children about what is and isn’t permissible.
Total freedom would be overwhelming. Children should always ask, but “Yes” should almost always be a parent’s default. The child feels more respected and gets to satisfy her need to do things for herself.
Waiting
French parents believe waiting, or “pausing” is best for children. Delaying gratification makes children calmer and more resilient. Instead of saying “Quiet” or “Stop” to rowdy kids, French parents often just issue a sharp “Attend”, which means “Wait.” French parents give kids lots of chances to practice waiting. For example, they buy candy, but often reserve it until that day’s “gouter” (snack), even if it means waiting for hours.
A child needs both love and limits. If you give the child love without limits, she’ll become a little tyrant. “You must teach your child frustration” is a French parenting maxim. Children will always have the impulse to give in to their desires. But they’re happier when they’re “sage” and in command of themselves. Children who can easily delay gratification are more likely to grow into adults who can handle setbacks and master concentrating and reasoning.
French parents can’t imagine a world where they couldn’t finish a cup of coffee – they don’t want to and don’t think it’s good for kids. When they’re busy, they politely point out to their child what they’re doing so she learns she’s not the center of the universe.
Tantrums
Tantrums don’t change the rules. Be calm and sympathetic without giving in; let kids express their discontent or cry. When a child is capricious – say, demanding a toy in a shop – the parent should remain calm and gently explain that buying the toy isn’t in the day’s plan, then direct the child’s attention elsewhere.
Sometimes giving an upset child more autonomy can calm her down. Ask the child what she thinks is a good solution, given the constraints. Know her rhythms—don’t expect an overtired child to go grocery shopping. When a tantrum at home goes on for too long, send the child to her room and tell her to come out when she’s calm. If a child comes out calmly, parents respond positively and everyone moves on.
Discipline
French parents have an easy, calm authority with their children. This manifests in the tone, not volume, of their voice. It’s reassuring for children to know that a grownup is steering the ship.
Prohibitions are always consistent. “No” is used sparingly, but once uttered, is definitive, said with conviction and the expectation of compliance. “No” is not louder, but the tone of voice conveys no negotiation. When they say “no” they explain. They don’t want to scare the child into obeying; they want to create a world that’s coherent and predictable, and to respect her autonomy and intelligence. Learning to cope with “no” is a crucial step in a child’s evolution. It forces her to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs equal to her own.
French parents often tell their kids “Sois sage”—a bit like saying “Be good.” It’s telling them to behave appropriately and implies that they trust their child, that she has good judgement and is in command of herself.
Caregivers speak calmly and respectfully to kids using the language of rights: You have the right to do this, but not to do that. They say, “I don’t agree” as in “I don’t agree with throwing your peas on the floor.” Parents say “please” a lot, even to babies. Parents and caregivers focus on making lots of small, polite, preventative adjustments based on well-established rules.
The French generally give children time to comply—it’s respectful and gives the child an active role in obeying—but, ultimately, they must comply. For example: “Put that down.” Fifteen seconds later, “Put it down right away.” Then, 10 seconds later, “Do you understand?” When the child obeys, the parent relaxes and explains what was wrong.
“Puni” in a French family is rare. Punishment should be administered immediately and matter-of-factly, without malice. A misbehaving child is often sent to her room to think on it and told to come out when she’s calm and ready to talk. Parents are careful to warn children before punishing them, and to follow through on threats. After a conflict, it’s the parent’s role to reestablish the connection (e.g., play a game). Parents see themselves as teachers, not policemen, making the tone calmer and gentler.
“Caca Boudin”
Keep “crimes” in perspective. Don’t punish your child for every offense; save it for the “felonies.” Minor “betises” are part of being a kid. French children are allowed to be a little naughty, with limits. For example, “caca boudin” is a swear word for little kids. Saying it is a little bit of a betise. Kids have many rules and limits, so it’s a way for kids to thumb their noses at the world, giving them power and autonomy. However, in the spirit of cadre, they can’t just say it whenever they want. Parents often limit its use to certain places, times and occasions. Everybody needs a curse word; teach kids to wield it appropriately.
I really liked the idea of cadre, as I feel parents get bogged down on petty stuff. Sometimes we say “no” without considering the scope of the transgression. I was recently at a family party where we had a bonfire going. The kids wanted to throw some cardboard in the fire and the parents all said “no.” I really didn’t understand why. What was the worst that was going to happen? Kids love fire, it’s fun to watch things burn, there was parental supervision, so the likelihood of someone getting hurt was minimal. It seemed like it was just the default to say no. I’ve always said, “I err on side of yes but when I say no, it’s no.” I rarely say the word or even forbid my daughter from doing many things, and trust me, I’m not some granola hippy mom who doesn’t believe in discipline. I do. I just believe that we shouldn’t wield unnecessary power over children. When my instinct is to say no, I often pause and think on whether it really deserves a no.
I love, love, LOVE the idea of caca boudin! As someone who uses my fair share of profanity, I feel kids are often expected to behave above “human” – above what we adults expect of ourselves. Of course, there are plenty of things adults can do and children can’t, and that’s OK. But expressing your feeling in a certain way should be allowed for children, not just adults.
Not everything is massive tragedy. We do small wrongs and we shouldn’t expect our kids to be perfect little soldiers. It’s a good reminder to not making a mountain out of a molehill. My daughter is still young, but I look forward to coming up with some word that she can use when she’s upset.
Sleeping
A baby who sleeps through the night early on is the norm in France. It’s an important symbolic lesson; learning to sleep is part of learning to be part of the family. Babies eventually need to adapt to others’ needs, too. French parents keep their babies in the light during the day, even for naps, and put them to bed in the dark at night. They observe the baby’s rhythms and act accordingly. Rituals that set the tone for bedtime include a bath, changing into pajamas, singing a lullaby, and saying “good night.” Spending cozy time together before bed is important. Send her off to sleep feeling secure that she can separate from you for a little while. Once she’s calm and relaxed, put her into bed awake. Babies who learn to amuse themselves during the day are less worried when they’re put to bed alone at night.
From birth, French parents “pause” when baby wakes up in middle of the night, giving her a chance to self-soothe and fall back asleep. They understand that babies typically wake up between sleep cycles. Allowing the baby to self-soothe and fall into the next cycle on her own enables her to eventually sleep straight through all sleep cycles. If the baby is still crying after a few minutes, they attend to her needs: re-swaddle, pat, re-diaper, or walk baby around and only offer the breast if these steps fail. By 2-3 months, babies can usually connect cycles.
Talk to your baby throughout the process. Tell her it’s bedtime. Explain that the whole family needs rest. Say that if she wakes up in the night, you’re going to pause before coming in so she can fall back asleep on her own. After a baby sleeps through the night for the first time, her parents should tell her how proud they are.
“The Pause” [the author’s label] works in part because tiny babies can learn things; it gives them confidence and serenity, makes them aware of other people and sets the tone for a respectful relationship. The Pause works best in the baby’s first 4 months. If you miss the window, some form of crying it out is needed.
The reality is, the International Pediatric Sleep Education Task Force found that 25% of ALL parents report problems with their baby’s sleep. I haven’t seen the actual study, but I’m a bit suspicious of the idea that the French are exempt from this. I’m also a bit skeptical of the 2-3 month timeframe—medical professionals proclaim that babies are only able to self-soothe at 4-6 months. Are French babies just that much more developmentally advanced?
Most of her sleep tips reflect Magda Gerber/RIE® respectful parenting viewpoint. Most of these ideas are endorsed and often practiced in the U.S.
Eating
French mothers rarely breastfeed after three months; formula is “just fine.” In fact, breastfeeding after 3 months is frowned upon. (This fits exactly with my sense of French parents – they 100% come before the child. They won’t even entertain doing this to their body/lifestyle for baby. There’s a certain distance and coldness they exude.)
French parents see no reason to believe that artificial milk is terrible, or to treat breastfeeding as a holy rite.
Ok, so they may see no reason, but medical professionals do. Why is “not terrible” the threshold to do something? And who said physical health is the only criteria? The borderline/bare-minimum criteria shouldn’t be that your child simply survives. I mean what’s up with the, “Babies who drink formula are fine.” Again, is “fine” the threshold for your baby?
For the first few months, French parents feed babies on demand. After that, babies eat at roughly the same times each day (8, 12, 4, 8); have a few big feeds rather than many smaller ones; and adjust to the family’s eating schedule to be “more compatible with daily life.” Parents gradually ease babies onto this schedule; at three months they stretch feedings to every three hours (don’t let baby cry too long if distractions don’t work); by four months they’re on an eating schedule.
The French try to instill the pleasures of eating from birth. French babies start off with fruit and vegetables, not bland cereals. They typically feed only at mealtimes and at the afternoon gouter. This way, they are hungry at meals. While Americans tend to regard vegetables as obligatory vitamin-delivery devices, French parents treat their “legumes” with intent and commitment. Americans assume that if the baby doesn’t like a certain food after a few tries, they just don’t like it. French parents see it as their job to bring the child around to appreciating different flavors and will prepare the same food many different ways. Each taste gets closer to becoming a part of her repertoire. The French talk a lot about food while feeding (“Does the tuna taste different from salmon? Will it make a sound when you bite it? What does this flavor remind you of?) and play games to learn flavors. In France, eating isn’t just for nutrition – it’s a full-on sensory experience.
Other French approaches to feeding:
- Offer a variety of colors and textures. People are more drawn to food that looks appetizing. Use real dishes once they are 2-3 years old.
- If your child announces she doesn’t like pears anymore, calmly ask her what she decided to like instead.
- Don’t convey desperation when you want your child to eat something.
- If a child is always snacking, she will never learn to eat at mealtimes.
- Food is not a reward for outbursts nor used as a distraction.
- Kids have to ask parents before taking anything out of refrigerator to limit snacking and chaos. (I was raised like this.)
French parents often prepare foods with their children so they are invested and enjoy the food more. Parents oversee this process and don’t mind a little mess. There is no better time to find out about your child’s day than when you’re prepping together.
Children are expected to eat with the family and take at least one bite of every dish. If she’s really anxious, she can sniff it. Have only one new food per meal, served alongside something she likes. Everyone eats the same meal and there is no such thing as “kids’ food” or other options. French books urge parents to stay calm and cheerful at mealtimes.
After she takes the requisite bite, the parent acknowledges, and reacts neutrally if she says she doesn’t like it. They don’t want the child to eat under duress; they want her to gradually learn to like the food. The parent chooses the foods; the child chooses the quantities. Parents serve smallish portions, and don’t pressure the child to finish. They wait and see if she asks before offering more. A child knows when she’s had enough. The goal is to guide her into becoming an independent eater who enjoys food and regulates her own appetite. “Don’t force her, but don’t give up on proposing it to her”. They believe if you keep trying things, she’ll eventually like most of it.
If she doesn’t eat enough at one meal, she’ll catch up at the next one and can drink milk to fill up. Children aren’t expected to stay at the table longer than 20-30 minutes. When they ask to be excused and have tasted everything, they may go.
Water is the de facto drink. Juice is for breakfast and for the occasional gouter. Small helpings of sweets are okay, usually at afternoon gouter. On birthdays, school parties or other special occasions, parents tend to give kids free reign so they can enjoy and be free. Kids, too, need moments when the usual rules don’t apply, but parents decide when these moments are.
I really like all their views on feeding (except for breastfeeding). I always gave my daughter what we were eating; she didn’t have bland baby cereal and was rarely given baby food. My daughter tastes everything and is allowed to spit out what she doesn’t like. We are a healthy home and I serve nutritious, balanced and well-prepared dinners (I’m a pretty good cook). This has been going on since about 5.5 months of age. However, she absolutely loves her carbs and fruit over any other food group. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that just because you present all foods to your child, she’ll start eating roasted duck for lunch. When my daughter is served chicken, couscous and broccoli, she will always eat the couscous and nothing else.
I like the idea of children being able to eat whatever they want at special occasions. Too often adults don’t allow these liberties. I, for one, love to eat and pig out on some pretty junky food. Why can’t my kid? I didn’t allow my daughter sugar or sweets as a baby because she was happy with a blueberry or banana. Now that she’s a toddler and sees treats around her, I don’t forbid it. I was recently at a dinner party where cookies and other treats were in my daughter’s reach. I didn’t move the platters—it wasn’t my party and that would’ve been obnoxious. I also didn’t want to forbid my daughter from eating it when it was right in front of her. So, it was a bit of a free-for-all.
Manners
In France there are four magic words: “please,” “thank you,” “hello” and “goodbye”. “Bonjour” and “au revoir” put the child and adult on more equal footing, cementing the idea that kids are people in their own right. Kids are supposed to show their grasp of “civility and politeness” by greeting everyone and not interrupting when others are talking. “Hello” is a critical lesson; it forces a child out of her self-centered bubble and makes her aware that other people have needs and feelings.
Don’t allow interruption. A polite but firm “I’m in the middle of speaking to someone. Please wait and I’ll be with you in a moment” will do. Then, keep your word.
Ugh, I am not a big fan of kids with bad manners, so I really like the ideas here. I think it’s important for kids to have some sort of respect and “fear” of adults. When I see kids talking back to adults or speaking to adults as their peer, I find it highly uncomfortable. I think kids need adults to maintain power; I don’t think it’s healthy for kids to feel they are on equal footing with grownups. It’s a position they are way too young for.
One of my pet peeves is parents who allow their kid to interrupt, without even an “excuse me.” I feel they’re teaching their child such terrible manners—that the world revolves around them. Even with my toddler, I ask her to wait a moment while I’m speaking with someone and let a few seconds pass before turning back to her. It’s the foundation for politeness. The same way we should treat children with respect, they should do the same for others.
Talk
The French talk a lot to children and babies as they view them as rational and understanding. If baby is scared of strangers, the mother should warn her that a visitor will be coming over soon. Then, when the doorbell rings, explain that a guest is here, and take a few seconds before opening the door. If she doesn’t cry when the stranger enters, congratulate her.
Many French parents give baby a tour when they come home from the hospital. They also make it a point to tell their baby what they’re doing to them: “I’m picking you up. I’m changing your diaper.” The baby is a person, so parents are polite to her. They’re reassuring her with their voice and by explaining and conveying important information.
Babies can sense when there’s a problem in the home and need the same comforting confirmation we all do. From 6 months, parents should tell the baby if they’re getting divorced. When a grandparent dies, parents should gently explain this and briefly bring the child to the funeral. Bad things happen, but what matters is the way we deal with it. Don’t assume your child doesn’t understand what’s going on; they absolutely sense when something is amiss.
Again, this all sounds remarkably similar to RIE and “The Baby Whisperer” book.
Listen
Children don’t need their home life to be perfect, just coherent. French parents balance between listening to their kids and being clear that it’s the parents who are in charge. Parents listen carefully to their kids and explain the world to them. However, listening is not always appropriate; sometimes you need to pluck your child up and onto the doctor’s scale. You do what the situation requires.
Autonomy
Kids need a degree of independence, resilience and self-sufficiency. French parents give their children as much autonomy as they can handle, including physical and emotional separation. They will leave their child alone, safely, to explore and figure out things for herself, respecting her as a separate being who can cope with challenges. French parents will often let small kids race ahead of them on the sidewalk, trusting that they will stop at the corner and wait. French parents believe that children are separate and capable, with their own tastes, pleasures and experiences of the world. They even have their own secrets and need privacy too.
They give their kids meaningful chores. Three-year-olds help load the dishwasher and take out the trash. These small acts of autonomy are very meaningful. They often leave a child to safely explore and figure things out for themselves- respecting her as a person who can cope with challenges
At playdates and birthday parties, parents drop off the child. They trust that their kids will be okay without them.
This aligns with letting your kids do things for themselves. I think this really does help them gain confidence and resilience.
Teaching Life Skills
French schoolyards are famously free-for-alls. “In France we like it when kids brawl a bit.” French parents are slower to intervene in playground disputes or arguments between siblings. They expect kids to work situations out alone so they can defend themselves and resolve quarrels with others. They believe that when you treat kids as capable and trustworthy, they respond by taking on more responsibility and behaving better.
In American children’s books there’s usually a problem, a struggle to fix the problem, and then perfect resolution. In French books, there’s a problem and a struggle to overcome it, but the book often ends with the protagonist having the same problem again. The lesson is that life is ambiguous and complicated. There aren’t good guys and bad guys—life has a mix of both. French books take kids’ problems seriously.
This is the first book I’ve seen address this, and I’m all for it. I’ve always objected to adults who claim kids have no problems. To children, not getting a toy is just as big as you not getting a promotion. Don’t project onto children what you perceive as a problem or minimize their worries. I’m sure someone could look at our adult problems and view them as nothing. “You have food? Water? No cholera? Your life is amazing!”
The French move the center of gravity away from children. “It’s parents, then children. Sharing power with a child doesn’t exist. “If you give her too many choices, she doesn’t feel reassured. You have to show her that’s the way it is.” Better to have a leader who shows the way. A kid has to feel like the adult is in control.
I’d love for this sentiment to be shouted from the rooftops. Kids don’t want power! They don’t feel secure, they won’t respect you and they so badly want and need both. Kids don’t feel safe with parents when they haven’t established themselves as a powerful force. Parent should NEVER describe their child as their “best friend,” they don’t want that! You should not be on an even playing field, you should not be peers. You are putting too much pressure on them to satisfy your needs for love and adoration while robbing them of a secure base. Giving your child control is pushing them into a role of major responsibility. They need a pillar to lean on, not another friend.
Praise
The French don’t believe in praising children excessively. They believe that kids feel confident when they’re able to do things for themselves and do them well. They don’t praise children gratuitously; they praise them for doing something interesting and well. After all, if kids are praised for whatever they do, they won’t need to try very hard. They become afraid to commit to something for fear of failing. If the child has something to say, others listen to her. But the child can’t take too much time; if she delays, the family finishes her sentences for her. This teaches her to formulate ideas better before speaking.
French adults are decidedly understated in response. They don’t act like every job well done is an occasion. Teachers don’t routinely praise children to their parents. A teacher’s role is to discover problems. If the child is struggling, the parents need to know. If the child is coping, there’s really nothing more to say. In grade school, teachers grade against an ideal, which practically no one meets.
Any parenting book I’ve read presents this exact philosophy about praise: don’t overpraise children and praise their effort. I believe we should be authentic with our children and only praise when it’s genuine. However, in my opinion the French go a little too far here. Their reaction to children seems a bit harsh to me.
Once again, the author is explaining a perspective in a “nice” way when it’s just plain rude. You don’t treat an adult who’s speaking slowly like this. Granted, the whole world doesn’t need to stop for your kid, but you should be willing to take the time to listen to your child, even though you want to get back to your much more interesting and important life.
I actually don’t agree with parents who shush everyone at a dinner because their kid wants to say something they deem interesting. I also believe it’s OK for them to know adults converse with adults, and kids with kids. However, what the French propose is completely dismissive and rude.
When reading these ideas, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the French, on some level, try to take their kid down a notch. It reminded me of that tough dad – his kid comes home and excitedly says, “Dad, I got an A on my exam.” Dad barely looks at him and responds gruffly, “Did you take out the trash?” I get not wanting kids to be “soft,” but why the need to set a standard that is hard to meet?
Development
American parents assign themselves the job of pushing, stimulating and carrying kids from one developmental stage to the next. French parents sign their kids up for extracurriculars because they believe in “awakening” and “discovery,” giving their kids space to let their development unfold naturally, as senses gradually awaken. French parents don’t think there’s a point in rushing little kids through developmental milestones or teaching them skills like reading and math. It’s more important to teach preschoolers skills like concentration, getting along with others and self-control. French parents, therefore, give little kids lots of free time for “exploratory play.” This teaches kids persistence, relationship skills and creative problem solving. It improves their confidence, attention span and allows for mastering activities. It’s also fun. According to the French, childhood is not merely preparation for the future. The quality of the formative years you’re spending together matters as well.
Yup, yup, yup. This describes my husband’s view on childhood “to a T.” In general, people are always living in the future, but Life is today. Let your kid enjoy life while they have no responsibilities!
Marriage/Sex
Sacrificing your sex life for your kids is considered wildly unhealthy and out of balance. Couples typically assume that there’s an intense stretch after birth, when it’s “all hands on deck” for the baby. After that, gradually, the mother and father find their equilibrium as a couple again. They treat adult time not as an occasional privilege, but as a basic human need. French parents don’t just think these separations are good for parents; they genuinely believe they’re important for kids.
Your bedroom is your domain. Your child doesn’t have the right to barge in whenever she wants. French parents are firm about bedtime. Kid-free time in the evenings is a fundamental human right. It’s important for children to understand that a part of their parents’ lives doesn’t involve them. They consider a solid and loving marriage to be essential to the happy functioning of the whole family.
The French also keep a bit of mystery in their marriage. There is innuendo, knowing glances, and things left unsaid. It’s OK to flirt with others, too.
Frenchwomen don’t expect men to be their equals; they view men as a separate species which, by nature, isn’t good at domestic tasks. A 50/50 equality isn’t the gold standard. Mothers care more about finding a balance that works. French mothers also give up some control and lower their standards in exchange for more free time and less stress.
I like this attitude. It goes with a philosophy I repeat often, “Acceptance is the answer to all your prayers.” I know many will say this is problematic, but whether it’s cultural or biological, it is what it is. We can fight it or accept it. Accepting it will lead to a happier marriage, a happier you and happier family. Trust me, I know it’s easier said than done, but if you accept your differences, you’ll have a lot more peace.
Epilogue
That’s basically it, Folks.
To wrap it up, I like the essence of most of these concepts, but I view the French applications as cold, distant and emphatically strict. I couldn’t get past the image of a French parent literally (or metaphorically) shooing their kid away.
The author depicts French mothers as goddesses but to me, the proof is in the pudding. French babies turn into French adults and they don’t seem any kinder, happier, more successful or confident than your average American.
So, unless you idolize all things French, I say look at the crux of these philosophies and implement them in a way that’s warmer, kinder and, dare I say, child-centric.
