“On Becoming Babywise” by Robert M. Bucknam, MD, Gary Ezzo, MD
The basics of Babywise are simple. If you give your kid a full feeding, the rest will basically fall into place. Babies need a consistent routine of feed, wake, sleep (FWS), and Babywise advocates a feeding strategy called “Parent Directed Feeding” (PDF). The authors also discuss important factors contributing to a baby’s general welfare, including the health of your marriage, and provides a wide array of parenting advice on playtime, crying and more.
I like this book, but I wouldn’t call it a godsend like others profess. Frankly, I like any book that uses good old common sense and places a big onus on parents. It’s also extremely satisfying to read a book that addresses specific issues with really definitive solutions…even if those solutions didn’t always work for me. Full disclosure: I read this book when my daughter was about nine months old, so I only tried to implement these strategies then.
Feed, Wake, Sleep!
The meat of the book deals with the feed, wake, sleep (FWS) cycle, which states that a baby should feed as soon as he wakes up, spend some time awake and then return to sleep. This process should be repeated at set times throughout the day (and early on, during the night). Parents won’t be actively involved in sleep training before 4 weeks of age but will be doing so passively by establishing a good FWS routine. A large chunk is devoted to the timing and scheduling of the FWS process.
As a baby gets older, nighttime sleep gets longer, daytime naps become fewer, and the overall amount of sleep declines. A routine must be established before flexibility can be introduced to your baby’s day. There are some excellent blogs that provide great information on the FWS timeline, including https://www.babywisemom.com/your-babywise-baby-first-year-overview/ and https://www.journeyofparenthood.com/birth-six-month-babywise-schedule/. I created a printable spreadsheet that captures the entire FWS regimen with all the information you need, week by week, month to month, in a single, easy-to-follow format.
Babywise claims that symptoms of postpartum depression (PPD) can be minimized by giving their life predictability and time to focus on themselves. Thankfully, I didn’t experience PPD, but the absolutely HARDEST part of new motherhood was being unable to plan ahead or just pick up and do things I wanted to do. I went from doing exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, to forgetting food on the fire because my baby started crying mid-cooking. It’s tough!
What is Parent Directed Feeding?
PDF is one of the bedrocks of Babywise. PDF is a hybrid of hyper-scheduling and attachment parenting (aka, “demand feeding”). Under the PDF philosophy, feeding should be done on a set schedule, but the parent can deviate from the schedule when the baby gives hunger cues. In other words, clock + hunger cues + parental assessment (PA) = feeding time. This method provides enough structure to bring security and order to a baby’s world, and enough flexibility to give mom the freedom to respond to her baby’s needs. Hungry babies should always be fed!
Full Feeding:
The key to a successful FWS cycle is giving the baby a full feeding from both breasts, so work on keeping your baby awake during feeding. Feeding is the stone that creates the initial ripple for wake and sleep cycles. A full feeding typically entails 8-15 minutes per breast or 20-30 minutes for formula. Breast is best, but the most important thing is to touch, talk, and show tender affection while feeding.
If your baby routinely shows hunger signs before a feeding time, find out why, rather than let him cry it out.
Growth Spurts:
Growth spurts require baby to be fed as often as hunger signs are present. At the end of a growth spurt, you should return to the established FWS patterns. Growth spurts generally occur at 10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months.
Sleep Schedule and Training
When it comes to sleeping through the night, according to the authors, healthy, full-term babies have the capacity to sleep 7-8 continuous nighttime hours at 7-10 weeks old, and 10-12 hours by 12 weeks.
Sleep props interfere with the FWS process by becoming the substitute sleep cue for sleepiness. Special blankets or stuffed animals are harmless. With PDF, a Babywise baby is placed in the crib drowsy but awake. The baby may cry or chatter for a few minutes but will fall asleep without intervention. Co-sleeping is dangerous and there is no proof it minimizes SIDS, sharing a room after 4 weeks can postpone a baby’s ability to sleep through the night. Crying for up to 20 minutes will not harm your baby physically or emotionally if he’s given continuous love throughout the day. Think of a little crying as an investment toward a lucrative gain. The benefit will be a baby who goes down for a nap without fussing, and wakes up rested, alert and happy.
Sleep training tips:
- A strong FWS cycle will increase the likelihood of continuous nighttime sleep. The more consistent, the quicker baby will learn.
- The quality of each activity is just as important as the order.
Problem Solving:
Babywise provides clear answers for common problems. My particular issue was that I often felt confused about where to start. My baby wasn’t sleeping well but I don’t want to hold her and teach her to only sleep on me. Babywise’s answer? Hold her for a few days to push her to a schedule. Same with the issue of having irregular naps, which leads to irregular feeds and night-sleep: When every problem leads to another problem you don’t know which one to tackle first. Babywise’s answer? “Feed your kid.” There was a lot of comfort in their practical and decisive advice.
Other issues Babywise addresses:
- If your baby has night and day mixed up, pick a consistent time in the morning to wake him and give a full feeding.
- If you notice sleep cues and your baby is fatigued but fighting sleep, you can hold him to get him on a sleep schedule. On the third day, go back to the crib.
- If your baby wakes up at the same time each night, it’s likely out of habit and not hunger. Let baby resettle himself or pat him on the back, and you can push the late evening feeding to 11-12. Once baby sleeps through the night, you can gradually back up that feeding by 15-to-30-minute increments until feeding is where you want it to be. Or, as a last resort, do the “backward slide.” If he is consistently waking at 2AM, preempt the waking by waking and feeding him 15-30 minutes earlier for 2-3 days. Gradually adjust the time until you reach the desired night feeding time. You can do the backward slide to eliminate other feedings.
- If your baby starts to sleep longer
at night but wakes earlier in the morning:
- Wait 10-15 minutes to see if he’ll settle himself
- Feed him, put him back down to sleep and then wake him at 7AM for another feeding.
- Treat it as the first feeding of the day, then make slight adjustments to the rest of his morning schedule so by early afternoon he’s back on a normal routine (so stretch time between feeds, etc.).
- If baby always wakes up 45 minutes after nap, go in at 40 minutes and gently rock him through the cycle. If over 3 months old, just use a pacifier immediately upon waking. If fully awake, pick up and comfort him as best you can until he displays signs of sleepiness, then try putting him back down.
- If your baby wakes from naps after 30 minutes, there are 2 common reasons for this: he may need a burp, in which case you should burp him; or, he was overstimulated before going to sleep, in which case you should determine how to prevent this in future.
More tips for troubleshooting naps, the Babywise way: https://www.babywisemom.com/naps-troubleshooting-revised-and/
Merging
Parental management is all about merging the changing needs of one growth stage with the next. This usually entails eliminating a feeding, extending wake times between naps, and/or reducing the number of naps. Each baby is unique; however, it’s good to know the typical times cycles begin to merge, and these are spelled out in the Merge column of the spreadsheet. Keep the following in mind about merging. First: Your baby has the capacity and ability to make the adjustments. Second: As your baby gets older, cycles won’t be consistent – some will be longer, and some will be shorter. Last: After your baby is sleeping through the night, the first and last feeding of the day become the two strategic feedings to keep consistent (within 20 minutes of chosen time). Most merges take 4-6 days before the “new normal” is established. Don’t stretch time between daytime feedings until your baby is sleeping 9-10 hours a night.
If you’re starting Babywise with an older baby, work on their daytime routine for 4-5 days. Determine the correct amount of feeds for your baby’s age. Be prepared for some crying with sleep, but you should see success after 3-5 days.
When I read the book, my daughter was 9 months old with an unpredictable sleep pattern, so I was hooked. My baby and I were caught in a bad cycle (poor naps leading to poor feeds leading to poor sleeps). I couldn’t figure out where in the cycle I needed to make the first change. Babywise had the answer: Just give your kid a damn full feeding. Wow, genius!
And God knows I tried, but I soon learned you can’t force-feed a baby. Babies will eat what they want to eat. My daughter was so distracted at that age that she didn’t have the time or patience to eat for long. I also learned that if you aren’t a highly schedule-oriented person, Babywise is not for you.
Making Decisions:
It can be hard to stick to a strict schedule, so it is important to look at the context of a moment to make a decision. For example, do not let your baby’s routine override being thoughtful to others.
I absolutely agree with not letting your parenting style impact others. If you want to keep your kid on a strict schedule, cool. But it’s nobody else’s problem. However, your kid comes first—not Auntie Beth, who needs her fix of a cute baby. Auntie Beth can visit baby during wake times. I was often mocked and told I was a typical overly protective new parent. I’d politely smile but inside I was thinking, “Dude, my kid is not a piece of luggage or a little toy I control.” Babies are entitled to eating and sleeping when they need to and having a non-chaotic life.
Crying
The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) recognizes that crying is a natural part of a baby’s day; 15-20 minutes of crying won’t do any harm, so long as it’s not out of hunger, pain or discomfort. No mother can console her baby every time he cries, so don’t expect to be a miracle worker. By paying attention to a baby’s cry, you will soon be able to understand if there is a need (to be picked up, consoled, fed, tended to, etc.) or whether he is better off left alone. Do not think of crying as a statement against your parenting. The authors do not believe in “cry it out” or “block every cry” and consider both to be extreme beliefs. If your baby is crying more than 15 minutes, pat his back and maybe hold him for a few minutes. Then, put him back down. You are not trying to train baby not to cry, but how to sleep.
According to Babywise, there are 3 kinds of common “normal” cries, and 3 kinds of common but “abnormal” cries. You should respond immediately to abnormal cries or a marked change in baby’s crying pattern. Think about where they are in their routine to help determine the cause. If it’s close to nap time, are they tired? Overstimulated? Scan their body to make sure there are no physical reasons for the crying. Normal crying includes crying before feeding (usually because he’s hungry), crying during late afternoon/early evening (many babies are “fussy” during this period and can be comforted by infant seat, being held or possibly put in their crib and put to sleep. If continuously fussy, consider hunger as a possibility), and crying when going down for a nap or to sleep (many babies cannot fall asleep without crying). Abnormal crying includes: crying during feeding (may not be getting enough food), crying within 30 minutes of feeding (may be trapped gas, mom’s diet, milk supply or a milk quality problem), and crying in the middle of a sound nap (may be any of the above or any of the reasons listed in connection with “nap challenges”). See chapter 6 of Babywise for an in-depth discussion, or check out this excellent summary: https://www.babywisemom.com/naps-troubleshooting-revised-and/.
Babywise can be extremely hazy when it comes to crying and sleep training. All cries are not created equal, and there’s little discussion of the different levels of crying. If my kid is at level “batshi*t crazy hysterical”, can I still leave her for 20 minutes? Babywise got a lot of flack after their first edition for being overly harsh, so perhaps this haziness is a response to that. In addition, although the AAP may not find anything wrong with a baby crying for 15-20 minutes, there is a key piece of information that Babywise is missing: baby’s age. I’m pretty sure the AAP does not advise letting a newborn cry, unsupported, for that amount of time.
And why can’t a baby’s cry be a statement against you/your parenting? I don’t get this bit about never telling a parent they are doing something wrong. Maybe you can be doing something differently. It does happen; parents F up. I hope to God someone tells me if I’m doing something wrong!
Play Time
Play time should involve interaction between parents and baby. There should also be times when the baby is alone, totally absorbed in his own world of discovery. Sing and talk to your baby (he’ll love the inflections in your voice!). Show him colorful picture books. When wheeling your baby in a stroller, face him outwards as it provides a better opportunity for learning and discovery. Use physical touch throughout the day (cuddling holding, kissing, etc.) to help baby thrive. Touch can include baby’s favorite people other than mom, so get the family and relatives involved!
Tummy Time:
Make tummy time a daily routine once your baby can hold his head up. The ideal time is shortly before feeding when he is alert and happy, not before a nap. 30 cumulative minutes (or longer) of tummy time each day is ideal.
The Bumbo Seat:
The Bumbo Seat’s unique shape provides the right support for babies starting to transition to sitting up on their own. Babies who sit upright tend to have longer sustained wake times. The longer they are awake, the faster they adapt to life.
Hmm, not sure about this one. Why the rush to adapt? Let a kid be a kid and develop at their own pace. I suggest reading my post on Your Self-Confident Baby to see a totally different perspective on this.
Focusing:
Babies have a difficult time focusing until 3-4 months. When they start to focus, it’s good to introduce them to pictures and to place a play-mobile over their crib.
I have no clue why people use mobiles in cribs. Cribs are a place for babies to sleep, not to be stimulated.
Marriage
The authors firmly believe that stability in marriage is the most important thing for your child, and for your kids’ sake, you need to put your relationship ahead of them. Putting your marriage first and demonstrating your love for each other is a major gift for your children. It is also important to spell out what is expected of each other before your baby arrives and how you want to raise your child.
Weaning
You can start the weaning process by eliminating one feeding at a time for 3-4 days before dropping the next one. Usually, the late afternoon feeding is easiest to drop since it’s a busy time of day. Replace each feeding with 6-8 ounces of formula or milk, depending on the child’s age. Formula-fed babies can begin the transition from bottle to sippy cup at around 10-11 months. When you begin to wean, start with the noon meal. A few days later, eliminate the morning bottle, and later, the afternoon bottle. Evening bottles are the last to go.
So that’s Babywise! Trust me, this was a doozy to whittle down as the book gets super specific and granular.
My Final Thoughts?
I believe in Babywise’s world views. The philosophical underpinnings of this book are extremely solid and practical. The authors believe you should always look at the broader view because your every decision has a ripple effect on other aspects of parenting.
Though marriage was mentioned later on in this post, the book opens up with this topic. I firmly believe 90% of raising happy, healthy kids is a stable home. The remaining 10% is all the strategies, organic fruit and baby carriers you toss in. Unfortunately, parents often focus more on the latter. They lose the forest for the trees (or is it the trees for the forest?). I constantly remind myself that it’s more important for our daughter to have a peaceful home than it is to correct my husband’s parenting.
Despite the positives, I didn’t get the hoopla over Babywise. The book is promoted as a great way to get your baby to sleep, but what about their actual routine philosophy is unique? Every book I’ve read believes (strongly) in routines, not having sleep props and putting your baby in the crib awake. The one difference is the “full feeding.” However, the book never actually addresses sleep too deeply. It’s more about get a great routine going and your baby will sleep. But will she? Plenty of Babywise parents have implemented CIO (cry it out), so it’s not just all about routine.
On the flip side, I cannot figure out why there is such fervent hate for the book. The authors don’t say anything (other than to feed your kid well) that other baby books don’t mention a million times. Yes, some things seem like a bit of a stretch, but every parenting book I’ve read is guilty of that. So why the hate, people?
Not one critical article I found was based on actual Babywise facts. They would mention Babywise advocating for withholding feeding for the sake of a schedule. Not true. They would mention newborns not being fed enough. Not true. (In fact, the book clearly states a number of times that young babies may need to be woken up to feed). They mention AAP warnings against the book due to some accusations of failure to thrive. Not true. But here are some honest, personal criticisms:
- Don’t expect your baby to sleep as early as the authors state. Dr. Ferber actually agrees with a lot of what’s in Babywise, but also thinks their prediction on when your baby will sleep through the night is a reach. It seems to me that many Babywise parents sleep train their babies at inappropriately young ages, despite the book never overtly advocating to do so. For the love of God, don’t use extinction or the cry-it-out method on a newborn!
- Babywise gets a tad sneaky at times. I noticed some veiled advocation of early sleep training via crying. The authors constantly use the phrase “may include crying” when discussing getting rid of a waking or feeding. In their defense, they repeatedly mention that nothing will happen if your baby cries 15-20 minutes, never mentioning crying longer than that. On its face, though, they never advocate nor mention an active sleep training method.
- They advise not to even “think about sleep training until after four weeks,” but then don’t address what happens after four weeks. Don’t stay up at night trying to figure out what they mean—there are plenty of books to read on sleep training—but I think this just might be a little nod towards crying it out.
- One final example: They mention the AAP recommends against using a swing until your baby can sit, but then mention how your grandma may disagree (wink, wink) and go on to give specific instructions on how a swing can be used. Dudes, if you want parents to go against the advice of the AAP, just own it.
In summation, Babywise can provide much-needed order in your life, especially if you’re among the hyper-scheduled. And if you aren’t, you can still take away some excellent sleep tips and parenting advice. Above all, to be Babywise, just feed your kid and all else should fall into place.
